


Once Upon A Time In The West

by Prinzenhasserin



Category: Fairy Tales & Related Fandoms, Original Work
Genre: Crack, Gen, fairytale AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-26 23:44:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14413050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prinzenhasserin/pseuds/Prinzenhasserin
Summary: Once upon a time in the west, there was a boy born to poor parents, and his father went out to search for a godfather.





	Once Upon A Time In The West

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Casylum](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Casylum/gifts).



> Once Upon A Time in the West—a fairytale collection with a Western twist  
> This is a riff on the beginning of the fairy tale Godfather Death, which is mightily weird and very unusual. That is to say, I played the fairytale entirely straight--it is that weird. I hope you enjoy it!

Once upon a time not too long ago in the wild wild west, there was a boy born to parents who had nothing but a fortune of twelve other children. The parents were very poor, and barely had enough bread to feed all of their other children—the man spent his time herding cows for the largest cattle farmer in the region, and the woman cooked for the sheriff’s station and got paid in meager rations. They did their utmost to provide for their children, but they couldn’t see any way to give something to their youngest. The coffers were exhausted, and even the small gratuity from the church wasn't going to help them much.

They turned their thoughts this way and that way; but couldn’t find a way to stretch what little belongings they had for just one more child. Neither would the people of their small border town help them, since they had nothing themselves. The problem seemed insurmountable. "Nothing to it," the man said, finally. "I will have to go out to find him a godfather who can support our child in the ways that I can’t. I shan’t come back until I have found someone who will do."

And so he kissed his wife goodbye, took his hat from the hook next to the door, and left to search for a proper godfather for his youngest boy. The way towards the next settling was long, and full of dangers. He took the oldest mare who had been with him the longest, and went on his way.

He crossed over the plains, and watched many sunsets, drearily dredging up his determination to go further for his son, to find a good godfather that would be helpful in his endeavours. And then, where the sky met the flat of the plains, where the rowdy wandering tumbleweeds blew over into the breadth of the land, the first person he met was God. 

Since God already knew what was in his heart, he recognised him immediately and said, "My poor man, I do pity you. I will hold your child at its christening, and will take charge of it and make it happy on earth." 

The man who was quite troubled with his own problems and therefore did not recognise the Lord for who he was, said, "Who the fuck are you?" 

God looked at him, and forgave him for his uncouth language, and said, "I am God." 

The man mustered him closer, and what he saw he found lacking.  "Then I do not desire to have you for a godfather," said the man; "you give to the rich in the coastal towns and the motherland, and you leave us out here, poor and without food. What good will you do my son? No, thank you, you may go your way." 

He left the Lord where he stood, and travelled further, past the fertile plains and into stony terrain. The journey turned more difficult, and his horse more exhausted, since every step had to be carefully calibrated. At a crossway of rivers, when he sat down to take a drink, the Devil came to him. 

The Devil had seen him approach, but waited until the man had filled his tankard, because he, too, had seen his interaction with God. Finally, when the man had filled himself and his horse, he said, "What is it that you are searching for? If you name me godfather to your child, I will provide riches and all the joys of the world." 

The man who was suspicious at these unprompted promises beyond measure, asked, "And who are you exactly?" 

"I am the Devil," the Devil said, and squinted. "Can't you see the horns?"

The man had to agree on that.

"So, how about it?" the Devil asked again.

"I do not desire to have you as a godfather for my child," said the man, "you're probably already thinking about how to best deceive me."

"Fair enough," the Devil said, because he had already been thinking about stealing his soul, and so they went their separate ways.

The man went onwards. Soon, the scavengers started circling him--the sun was still beating down strong. Then came Death striding up to him on withered legs and tattered clothes. He was riding a pale horse, and with him came the fires of hell. "Take me as godfather," he demanded.

The man who had learned to mistrust strangers, asked, "Who are you?" but he was less rude about it, having already insulted God and the Devil. 

"I am Death, and I make all things equal," Death said, and loomed menacingly.

The man mustered him. Death would certainly scare away most things that could happen to his son, and he was getting tired travelling through the endless vastness of land. "Well, you take from the rich as well as the poor, and that is seldom enough the case. You are the right one, I will name you Godfather."

Death answered, "I will make your child rich and famous, for he who has me for a friend can lack nothing." 

The man said, "Great! Next Sunday is the christening, be there at the right time. Cheers!" and he turned back around, and went home.

Death appeared as he had promised, and stood godfather quite in the usual way. And that was the day the South learned how to be polite to strangers.


End file.
